Numb.

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I’M SO OVER IT ALL!
As this heart expands and contracts with every beat,  it still feels numb.
With every breath I take, and even with the warmth of my skin, I still feel numb.
It’s all so lonely and opaque without love in this life.
A heart that aches for intimacy, romance, connection, closeness, and all things lovely;
eventually gives up.
Because eventually that heart closes up, gives up, becomes hardened, becomes resentful to all things lovely.
It sees love as something that is just for everyone else.
It doesn’t have hope; it loses longing and desire to be touched and loved with affection as it should be.
It sees itself as worthless, and not worthy of anything remotely like love.
This heart has fallen to pieces so many times, and now it’s as though, it will never see the light again nor experience this thing called love that everyone else is or has experience.
I need out, I need out of everything that is happening in my life (not that it’s all bad), I just need change.
I feel as though I’m just spinning my wheels and not going anywhere nor accomplishing anything.
It’s also as though there’s no one in this town, that would ever turn my head nor make heart come alive.
So with all this numbness I’m just ready to feel again, see something new, experience something new in my life that
is good, that is joyful, that is awe-inspiring, something that’s so real that only God could make it happen.
So here’s to change and hopefulness!

heart in hand.

This heart has seen great and grand days, but it has also seen dark and weary days.
It has had days of what had seemed to be love, but it turned out to be a con.
With hopes of one day seeing true love, this has not grown faint, but hope is quickly diminishing.
As a child this heart had plans, hopes, dreams, and great expectations.
But unfortunately everyone else’s life got in the way.
Trying to please everyone else and see that their hearts were okay, safe, whole, and had what they needed; this heart was left behind, sinking, drowning, and striving to live out what it was called to be.
This heart was called to be Whole, True, Pure, Glorious, a Dreamer, Everything and Anything, besides what it has/had become.
Everyone, has seen this heart as they’ve needed to see it, for whatever they needed it for at that moment.
This heart is ready to no longer be held captive to others.
This heart was meant to be free.
This heart was meant to be Loved to the fullest.
This heart was meant to be full of grace and forgiveness.
This heart was meant to find a Love like no other.
This heart was meant to be itself, no one else.
This heart was meant to be a dreamer.
This heart was meant to sing.
This heart was meant to create.
This heart was meant to fall in love.
This heart was meant to Live.
This heart was meant to make beautiful melodies.
This heart was meant to be.
THIS HEART IS AND WILL BE ALL IT’S BEEN CREATED TO BE!

You see me Complete.

Hope springs back into my life, like a diving board catapults one into the sky.
Reaching for the heavens, I find myself never letting go of You, my one true hope and desire.
You have brought me back to life, and poured Your breath, into my lifeless lungs.
With one deep breath, I breathe in the sweet aroma of Your love and passion for me.
Taking a quick look behind me, I realize that there’s so much more for Us to do.
So I take Your hand and You lead me back down to this flat surface, where We take on moment by moment together.
With a heart that longs to just spend all the days of my life, in the Glory of Your beautiful presence, I look to the destiny, promises, call, and beautiful moments that are to be, simply because You love me.
You have seen me for who I am, not only here on this flat surface, but who I am in You, Complete!

With You It’s Easy…

With a heart wide open, to dreams and life.
Here one is with you by one’s side.
You reveal to one new facets of life, that one’s yet seen nor thought of.
When one is alongside thee, no matter the circumstance, or place, one feels ever so important.
You have a way of making one, feel, as though they are the most important one in the room.
Just the mere thought that you’re in the room, makes one’s heart skip a beat.
With you one can dream aloud and feel audibly.
With you it’s easy to do, what one’s been called to.
With you it’s easy to express, what’s happening, in one’s heart.
With you it’s easy to bring to life, one’s desires, hopes, and dreams.
With you it gives one hope, that one’s one is out there.
Though one’s heart, truly hopes, that one, you are one’s one.

Farewell for Now. I will miss you, while you’re Gone.

For so long I tried being who you wanted me to be, but I can’t do it any longer.
All I’m left with is heartache and less friends.
But I will always be there for you no matter what, cheering you on, fighting for you to be what God has called you to!
You have been one of my best friends for a long time,
and now it’s as though, we are strangers passing by on the streets of NY.
I put forth my hands and only hope that you see that I am still here.
You have no idea, the amount of hurt that this has caused.
I had the fleeting thought, that maybe I should say something, but you know not this time.
I have come to the realization that I shouldn’t have to every time this happens.
Yes our friendship is worth it, but I shouldn’t have to be the one saving it, all the time.
So this is me, stepping back from the responsibility of being in the role of the Hero.
Take your time, but not to long, you mean to much to me.
I often beat myself up trying to figure out what I’ve said and done, but you know, I can’t do it any longer.
I’m tired of trying to figure it all out.
Yes as my friend, you’re totally worth trying to figure it all out, but not at the cost of beating myself up over something
that’s probably minuscule.
Your silence towards me has been deafening, and your cold shoulder has
caused me to bear a hurt that I shouldn’t have to.
You are great and I thank you for years of a wonderful friendship.
So with tears and hope, I say this with an expectant heart:
I stand firm with God knowing that one day, you will finally see our friendship was worthwhile,
and I will rejoice with open arms.
Until that day, farewell friend, we had a great run.

The Struggle Between My Head and My Heart.

There is this thing in me, that tries so hard to put feelings aside, but I can do it no longer.
There is this love within me, that is fighting for this love.
My heart is to be only yours, and now I’m fighting for that.
How can I bear to have my heart broken.
This heart was not created to be broken.
This heart was created to love and to be loved.
My head says one thing, but my heart says another.
So with this internal fight, I go with my heart, and say Yes!
I discard what my head says in this matter, and only address the thoughts of what is not true,
when I am not moving forward.
My heart keeps me moving forward in this love.
My heart keeps me from going insane.
My heart takes me to new places, because you are there.

What I would LOVE to be doing; instead of job searching.

1. Taking pictures and Loving on people in a foreign land.
2. Going from country to country and village to village, and watch God move in people’s lives around me.
3. Singing with people, that I love, honor, adore, respect, and just plain ole’ love being around.
4. Decorating.
5. Traveling the World.
6. Investing more time in the relationships around me.
7. Soaking in the Presence of the Lord.
8. Just spending days on end worshiping.
9. Laying either at the beach, on a dock, or by the pool.
10. Traveling the World with my Husband, leading worship, and growing old together.(future tense)

That would probably be my top 10 for the day/ most days.
All in all, I just want to love on people.
But first I have to love on Jesus, and the Jesus in me.
I know that it’s not all very responsible, or money-making, but that’s my heart for ya!

Short entry, but hey that’s all I have to say, for now.
Another Entry coming soon, on Worthiness.  : )

I Need Out.

Currently needing some time away.
Not to run away from stuff,  just need time away and to process everything.
Feeling like I’m suffocating, and can’t catch my breath.
I know that I need to not act as a child and just deal with my crap, but sometimes, I just need space, and time.
Some people just don’t understand that AT ALL!!!
Not everyone is capable of just throwing out their feelings and thoughts.
There’s that fear of being vulnerable and open, with people, because they’ve been hurt.
AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

who am I suppose to be?

Wide awake, and figuring out why.
I feel as though, I am in a downward spiral. It’s not in the since of where I am with the Lord, but just in a downward spiral of figuring out who I am suppose to be. I have found myself getting frustrated, with who I am. (let me just say this first, I know that I am beautiful, and not in the since of being boastful or proud) I don’t feel like, I am being who God has called me to be. I don’t feel like, I even know what I’m suppose to do or be. I just do not know where to go from here. I have currently thought about moving in search of something new and different. Thinking that just maybe, I would find who I am, and who I’m suppose to be. So now I just wait and pray and plead with God to show me what exactly and where exactly I’m suppose to be.
I am ready to change and I am ready to fight for me.

An Invasion of You.

To Invade:
1. to permeate.
2.to enter as if to take possession of.
3.to penetrate; spread into or over
4.to affect injuriously and progressively

As you have invaded this being, and with force and a gentle kiss, I have become new again.
As you have invaded this being, and taken possession of this life, I have become transparent.
As you have invaded this being, and permeated this soul, I have began to permeate those around me.
As you have invaded this being, and spread your love with a thrust, I have become overwhelmed by your holiness.

With one glimpse, I fall and bow.
With one touch, I cry and sing.
With one  note, I praise and shout.
With one phrase, I write and strum.
With one melody, I dance and jump.
With one love, I melt and rest.

There comes a time when all you can do is just sit and listen.
When there’s no time, but it’s all you have desire for.
When you are so thirsty and hungry, you’ll do anything to see His face.
When you find that there’s nothing more fulfilling than just feasting at His table.
There comes a time when all you need is God.

So with a heart wide open for love and passion.
Here is mine for the taking, with all I have and all I am.
With a heart ready for yours to invade my own.
I bow in reverence and await your invasion.

Invade my heart and soul, with all you have.
Invade my heart and soul, with a holy thrust.
Invade my heart and soul, with love and authority.
Invade my heart and soul, with truth and compassion.

Invade my heart, God.
Invade my soul.
Invade my heart, God.
Invade my soul.
With all you are, invade me, my Beloved.

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